Tulisa

FHM's sexiest woman? Jesus fucking christ.

Okay, she's decent, she's a nice looking girl but to say she's the sexiest woman in the world is like saying Pete Price loves a bit of gash, it's just not true. (Pete, if you're reading this, you're a bad little cock chonger with a tipex head and a bad anger problem, now fuck off.) She's the type of bird that you'd shout "AYYYY GIIIIRL" at and you'd actually get a positive response, if she wasn't famous she'd be giving blowies for bifters and writing her BBM Pin all over the fucking country. She would also be wearing jarg ugg boots and have had 14 kids by now, living in a council flat in Peckham stinking of rollies and Lambrini. Now don't get me wrong, I'd love to smash her but let's be honest, we've all seen 'the' video, after that fucking massive purple warhead has split her in half it would be like throwing a cocktail sausage down the Mersey Tunnel. I bet it looks like a badly packed kebab. Actually no, I bet it looks like a badly packed kebab that has been digested along with 10 pints of lager and then thrown up on the pavement, I bet that's what it fucking looks like.

I've seen my nan get ready before Bingo, bit of lippy and she's away, she looks far better than this cockney sweat. Would have blagged her by now if she wasn't my nan, or if I was from St Helens. There's birds all over my twitter that are ten times better than this little helmet licker.

Sorry Tulisa, you are fit but not that fucking fit.

Students

I fucking hate the majority of students. From the way they act, to the clothes they wear, absolute fucking beauts. I'm not talking about decent human beings who are trying to get educated and earn a bit of coin, i'm talking about fucking gimps from Surrey or somewhere who think they're fucking boss because they're wearing their nan's shitty cardigan from 1943 which stinks of ginger biscuits and wet dog.

How these creatures act in society

"You should have seen last night's antics, Hugh, banter of epic proportions. Messy night. Tarquin is a legend!"  first thing's first, why do they all feel the need to use the word 'antics'? this makes me furious. Secondly, the 'epic banter' you're describing wasn't epic, epic banter is stabbing someone's nan in the leg with a biro for a laugh, not 'fraping' someone and writing "I'm gay lol x". Also, it wasn't a messy night was it, mate. You had two pints of Fosters, and woke up in your bed with a street cone on the carpet. Messy is snorting so much Ketamine you're found lying in a bush at 6:00am screaming at your legs with someone else's vomit on your Hugo Boss polo. Why on earth do these scumbags think there's something special about sitting in Starbucks? Starbucks is fucking shit anyway. Just because you've bought a shit cup of coffee doesn't mean you need to sit in the fucking shop all day reading a fucking book with your fucking shit mates while taking photos of a fucking cup of coffee which no one wants to look at. NO ONE is arsed about your fucking coffee. Do not take a photo of a Starbucks cup, you fucking animals. There must be millions of photos of Starbucks cups on the internet. While I'm on the subject of shit photos, i'll talk about Instagram. Instagram, Instagram, Instagram, fucking Instagram. Just because you have an app on your phone, it does not make you a photographer, this does not give you the right to take pictures of dust collecting on a wooden shelf or a rusty bike chain, seriously though, no one is arsed about your photos, even if they're in black and white. Just fuck off. That's enough talking about Instagram because the very thought of it makes me want to run into my sister's room and just fucking bladder her with a baseball bat. These cunts also feel the need to pay by debit card EVERY FUCKING WHERE, taking 250 years to pay for their items costing £2.75, lad you're buying a fucking pasty and a Lucozade, not a car, hand over some change you dirty finger nailed cretin. These gobshites can also be seen riding bikes too big for them that look 364 years old, updating their shitty blog about vintage clothes and drinking tea.

No one is arsed about this picture.

How to spot these creatures

There are two main types of student dickheads that I am talking about, the 'hispter' and the famous 'banter boyz'.

First of all, these hipster cunts deserve nothing from life, if I had my way I'd lock them in a concrete box, feed them a piece of bread each day and a good fucking leathering with a plank of wood. There is nothing cool about dressing like autistic OAPs. Nothing. Why do they do it? Wearing a snide pair of fucking brown winklepickers seven hundred sizes too big, with a pair of skinny jeans/chinos/whatever takes their fancy while shopping in the charity shop, because charity shops are cool now if you didn't know. With a dirty, horrible shirt with about 392 patterns looking like a walking fucking acid trip. Topped off with a disgustingly cool cardigan stolen from their nan's cupboard when they were visiting last summer. Bastards. Fucking bastards. These gobshites usually look like starving ethiopians, but white, this is due to the fact that they don't eat meat because being a vegatarian is fucking cool.. apparently, well Morrissey told them it is, so it must be. Shit curly wog heads and a snide muzzy is a very common look on these sick and twisted individuals.

Where do I start with his other gang of horrible little shits. The hair gel brigade AKA the worm firm AKA should have been fucking drowned at birth. These massive, massive wools are just walking advertisements for abortions, parents, do not let your children look like this. Spikey hair, cleavage shirts, chinos and toms. Don't you look fucking boss. No, you don't, because no one in their right mind wants to see your fucking cleavage so put on a proper shirt and fuck off you dirty, sweaty cunt. Do you know what, I'm going to stop talking about these cunts because I'm already to the point of rage.

Boss webs them, lad. 

If you don't like the word 'fucking' this blog isn't for you. But you've already read it. Soz.

#TinheadForPM

Dear people of Britain, this is your future leader speaking, for too long this once great country has been run by absolute fucking weapons, but most of all wools. This country is wool as fuck. People have been allowed to bounce around in low cut V neck t shirts, elasticated chinos and Toms. TOMS. This has set the tone of the country, and it's not a fucking good tone.

With the help of my PR man, @ThomasKingsley I have become the people's choice. I will deliever what the people want, the people don't want higher taxes and less jobs, so swerve it Cameron, they want Lemo on tap, Ketamine, Garys and Green all over the gaff. I will make this dream become a reality.

Laws and that
Police are a thing of the past, bizzies and Matrix are horrible, grasses who got bullied at school, grassing is wool and no one likes a grass. I will have a firm of lads who will deal with any trouble on our streets. For example, two lads scrapping in a pub, my firm bounce up and give them both a couple of Garys, minutes later they'll be hugging eachother and be best mates. Violence will be gone.

Firstly, there is an absolute abomination roaming our streets, this train wreck of a 'human being' is known as the 'Gail Platt', I'm sure you are all aware of this, what I can only describe as a creature. Gail Platt will no longer be treated as a human being, but a creature, an animal, she will be locked up in a cage and fed maggots and other mancs. If you see this beast in the streets, feel free to spit on her, kick her dead hard in the shins or simply call her a Custard Cream faced cretin.

Ketamine, Beak, Garys and Green will all be legalised and available on prescription, just go in to your doctor, tell him you fancy chewing your grid off and the drugs will be handed over.

Monday mornings are shit. They will be fucked off and replaced with 'Sit Off Morning', you may choose to get chonged with the boys, finger a bird or just stay in bed until 12am. The choice is yours. Fuck off Monday morning.

Wool clothing. TOMS, elasticated chinos and the likes will be forbidden. Anyone seen wearing any shit clobber will be hung. Simple as that. Wool clothing = Death penalty. It's really not worth it you gang of spikey haired cunts.

Fingering will be encouraged across the nation, Fridays will become #FingerAFridgeFriday and there will be adverts on national television about fingering, I will also introduce posters and lessons in schools across the country, including warm apple pies to practice your fingering skills.

Like to wear Slipknot hoodies, drink Monster energy drinks, type this 'xD' face and sit on the floor in town you scruffy twat? Not anymore. Emos will be fucked off completely. Sent to concentration camps where they can concentrate on being fucking normal.

Convicted Paedophiles, rapists and sex offenders, I'm speaking to you, I'm sure there's probably some of you reading this right now you dirty cunts, you will be sent into a room with nothing but Purple Aki and a year's supply of Viagra. You will be tortured by Aki until he is satisfied. You will then be executed.

Manchester - Manchester will be turned into a ghetto, it already is a fucking ghetto but a proper one. I will treat all mancs like the Nazi's treated the Jews, not arsed. Although fit ones can become sex slaves, lap dancers etc. For example Michelle Keegan will be sold into slavery. Decent.

Kelvin fucking MacKenzie. He will be locked in a room 24/7, this room will be too small for him to stand up but too small for him to lie down, he will be given a choice of two water bottles every day. One is infected with AIDS, the other is normal tap water. Choose wisely Kelvin you disgusting, piece of shit.

Immigration
My stance on immigration is a strict but fair one, immigrants will only be allowed in this country if they have something to offer, For example, doctors can come. But not only doctors, Colombian's can bring boss beak, Jamaicans can bring peng weed and Eastern European's can bring their sister's who will be used as brasses.

Taxes
I'm sure about 80% of you reading this don't pay taxes anyway #scouse but for those that do, if you are scouse, you will not pay taxes. It's only fair. Bankers, Torys and anyone who speaks with a posh accent will automatically be made to pay more.

If you have any questions they will all be answered.

#VoteTinhead #VoteLife #TinheadForPM #FTM #FingerAFridgeFriday #GinaYashereIsNotFunny

Bars

Just straight fucking bars while I watch Jeremy Kyle.

Don't have a job, I sit in me boxies,
Go out on the rob, you can't stop me,
Most people think i'm Phil, homs wanna knob me,
I sit off, smoke green, snort ket and drop e's.

Get up in the morning, have a wank in a sock,
I'll leave your family mourning, just for a rock,
Yeah i'm a fiend, if you know what I mean,
Keep the beak in me trackies, no jeans.

I used to wear black Reebok Workouts,
Worked at the petty station but I don't work now,
I've got a 1 all over but I want a barnet like Dirk now,
I'll leave you with fat lips like Alexandra Burke now.

Wools, they know they better not fuck with me,
It's breakfast, dinner and then tea.
It's not batch or cob, no it's barm,
Lad in white socks, sound the alarm.

Wanking, I just can't fucking stop,
Sometimes I sit on Chatroulette and I rub me cock,
See a nice pair of tits and blurt on me top,
Too many fit birds, make me hard as a rock.

Catch me in your ma's flat with a spliff that's fat,
They ask me if I work, "I do this and that".
It's straight JSA, I get chonged all day,
I'm not Phil, I don't do pantos and i'm not fucking gay.

Fuck The Matrix.

NoMon€¥G▲nG

The Beginning of My Rap Career

I've been in prison, I've grafted flake, I've goosed fit birds, I've fingered your nan. I've lived the dream, so I've decided it's time for my career in rap to begin. Professor Beak.
NoMon€¥G▲nG

Hold tight the twitter firm. @NickCharles81 you want bars? Here's fucking bars lad.

Drop the beat, drop the beat raar fucking now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZqzlVBYjnc&feature=related

Yes lad. Quick freestyle ting.

Let me keep it basic, scousers know that I fuck the matrix,
Purple Aki's a tit but I'm no racist, goose a fridge but I'm no rapist,
Only a true scouse soulja could say this..

You wouldn't wannna fight Tin, I'll smash your kite in,
I graft flake from me nan's house in Huyton, is right Tin.
Kerry Katona, fat wool slut but I'd still bone her,
Step on me trabs, i'll cut your face with a bottle of Corona.

Who's arsed if I haven't got a job? Your ma's on the blob,
She collects footy stickers and goes to college while i'm on the rob.
I'll snort Ketamine off your nan's tits and that,
Spiked your ma's bevvy, now she's got the shits and that.

I'm on the dole, walk the tunnel so I don't pay toll,
That's how I roll, blow smoke in your grid and sip that Skol.
Shoutout to PonderThePoint and Jesus,
I'm so boss i'll have muslims shouting "Jeeeesus"

Fuck the matrix. Jeremy Kyle's on, best get off. Inabit.